Words on a Page
by M. Scott Eiland
Summary: After Faith accidentally kills Finch, things take a different turn and Faith winds up in the hospital while Buffy desperately tries to keep her from disaster.
1. Part I

Summary: After Faith accidentally kills Finch, things take a different turn and Faith winds up in the hospital while Buffy desperately tries to keep her from disaster.   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters portrayed here, they remain the property of their respective owners/creators.  
  
Rating: PG-13, for violence and language.  
  
Time Frame: "Bad Girls/Consequences" (alternate timeline).  
  
Archiving: Be my guest, but e-mail me (eilandesq@aol.com) to let me know. . .I like to know where stuff I write ends up and I might want to see what else you've got.  
  
WORDS ON A PAGE  
  
Part I  
  
  
Buffy's face contorted as she hauled off and struck Faith in the jaw, causing her to reel back for a moment before smiling wickedly and commenting, "There's my girl."  
  
Buffy's eyes widened with revulsion at what Faith's taunting had brought her to, then turned away and replied, "No. . .I'm not gonna do this." Her face tightened with the effort of forcing down the rage that Faith was causing in her.  
  
Faith smiled coldly and intercepted Buffy as she taunted, "Why not? It feels good. . .Blood rising-"  
  
When she looked back at it later, Faith was utterly unable to remember clearly about what caused her to act as she did as she spotted the large crates directly above them being released to drop on them. The only thing she could remember without any doubt was shrieking, "Look out, B!" as she forcefully shoved Buffy out of the path of the falling crate and tried to avoid it herself.  
  
She was not entirely successful: the huge crate struck her a glancing blow, and there was the sound of breaking bone as Faith was knocked ten feet away into a heap. She looked up blearily and saw Buffy facing Trick and three other vampires, while another one was cautiously moving towards her. She painfully dragged herself to her feet: the pain told her that her left arm was badly broken, along with at least three ribs. In spite of those little problems, she managed to deliver a feral grin that stopped the advancing vampire for a long moment.  
  
There was no way she was letting B have all of the fun.  
  
Buffy had taken a few hard punches, and she was fighting in a slight haze as she attacked the three vampires in front of her. She could see that Trick was holding back, waiting to see what would happen, and that Faith had managed to get up and face the vampire threatening her, in spite of the fact that her left arm dangled uselessly, clearly broken. She set her mouth grimly and redoubled her efforts: Faith wouldn't last long without help.  
  
Faith knew that she wouldn't be very effective defensively with one arm out of commission, and she saw no reason to waste any time. She moved forward, ignoring the pain screaming from her ribs as she threw a nasty right cross, knocking the vamp back into a pile of boxes. As he struggled to regain his bearings, Faith tripped him, knocking him sprawling on his back. He had only a moment to contemplate his predicament before a stake pierced his heart, resolving the problem.  
  
Faith looked at the dust with satisfaction, only to turn right into a hard punch that sent her staggering back into some more crates. She looked over and saw Trick looking at her smugly. She met his eyes with a contemptuous glare and commented, "That's the best you can do? Kakistos must have been scraping the bottom of the barrel when he took you on as his head lackey."  
  
Trick's eyes flared with anger for a moment, then turned mocking as he replied, "Maybe. . .but I'm good enough to kick your gimpy ass, Slayer." He moved in for the attack, and Faith found herself being overwhelmed. . .the handicap of the broken arm was just too much, along with the stabbing pain from her ribs. After a few moments, Trick seized her by the throat, and began leaning forward, whispering, "Let me know if you feel this, Slayer." Then there was the meaty sound of a stake biting through cloth and undead flesh, and Trick only had time for a brief howl of rage before bursting into dust, revealing Buffy's concerned face. Faith managed a sickly smile as she muttered, "We sure showed them, didn't we, B?" before collapsing into a heap at Buffy's feet.  
  
  
* * * * *  
  
The first thing Faith was aware of was the sound of whispering voices. Annoyed at not being able to hear clearly, she struggled through what felt like a blanket of sensory deprivation as she struggled back to consciousness. The voices grew clearer, and Faith could hear Buffy asking, "So, enough with the medical mumbo-jumbo, Doctor Baines. . .is she going to be all right?"  
  
Faith could hear the faint annoyance in the doctor's voice as he replied, "As I've been trying to tell you, Miss Summers, your cousin Faith will be just fine. The break in her left humerus was clean, and the bone should heal just fine, as should the ribs. Remarkably, there was no internal bleeding, as might otherwise be expected from such an injury. . .she's a very lucky young woman. We should be able to release her for bed rest at home in a few days, but I'm relying on you to make sure she takes it easy. . .injuries like these can still cause complications if proper precautions are not taken."  
  
Faith could hear the smile in Buffy's voice as she replied, "Faith has always been a quick healer, Doctor. . .I think she'll be just fine." Faith could hear the doctor mumbling about fools who ignored medical advice as he departed, and she opened her eyes, seeing Buffy watching her. Faith smiled faintly and commented, "That doctor sounded seriously annoyed, B. . .he won't hold out on the pain medication now, will he?"  
  
Buffy moved over to Faith's bedside, pulling up a chair as she asked, "How do you feel?"  
  
Faith sat up a little, noting the cast on her left arm and feeling the pressure bandages around her ribs. She grimaced and replied, "Most definitely not five-by-five. . .but I'll live, I guess." She smirked at Buffy and commented pointedly, " 'Your cousin Faith'?"  
  
Buffy shrugged with an embarrassed look on her face and replied, "It sounded better than 'my fellow Slayer who was trying to goad me into beating the crap out of her before a crate fell on us.'" She frowned and commented, "You had me worried, Faith. If you hadn't been able to hold off Trick until I finished off those vamps. . ."  
  
Faith smiled with effort and replied, "No fancy-dressing, smart-mouthed vampire is going to punch my ticket, B." Her face darkened, and she looked away, commenting, "Of course it might have been better than waiting for Wesley and his goon squad to come and get me again."  
  
Buffy saw the desolate look on Faith's face, and she wasn't going to let it stay there. "Faith. . .look at me, please." Faith mechanically turned back to Buffy, who continued, "Faith, they're not going to take you, period. I've been in touch with Giles, and he passed the word on to Wesley: if they even try to pull that stunt again, the Council can go on permanent holiday as far as I'm concerned. . .I won't be working for them any more. Just to make sure, one of us will be waiting in front of your door until you're ready to check out."  
  
Faith raised an eyebrow and commented, "All of that for me?"  
  
Buffy smiled and replied, "That, and because we're all seriously pissed off at the Council for the crap they've put us through in the last month. Unless they get their act together, we'll be better off without them."  
  
Faith nodded and laughed, responding, "No argument there, B. . .but we've still got the same problems we had when that crate squished me. Even if you can prevent Wesley the Weasel from spiriting me off to the Mother Country, maybe it would be best if I just got on that freighter. We're too different. . .I don't see how we can make it work. We can save each other's lives until doomsday, and I still don't see anything changing."  
  
Buffy tensed, and she locked eyes with Faith as she replied, "Faith, it's not about being perfect. . .we've all had our screw-ups. The point is to learn from them and move on. . .and maybe throw in a few groveling apologies where they're called for, like maybe to Xander, for example." Faith frowned at the reminder of the incident in her motel room, and Buffy saw that she was tuning out. She sighed and pulled out the object she had stopped at home to pick up. She put it on Faith's lap, and the younger Slayer blinked and asked, "What's this, B?"  
  
Buffy took a deep breath and replied, "It's exactly what it looks like, Faith." Faith reached out with her good hand and lifted the small book so that she could see the words on the cover: "My Diary", and the angular signature, "Buffy Summers."  
  
Faith blinked in astonishment and stared at Buffy for a long moment before asking, "Let me get this straight. . .it's been like pulling teeth to get you to talk about anything personal in the four months we've known each other, and now you're handing me your diary. . .what gives?"  
  
Buffy sighed and replied, "Because it's the only way I can think of to get to you, Faith. I've never shown it to anyone: not Giles, not Willow or Xander, and definitely not my mom. . .and I would appreciate it if you didn't tell them I'm letting you see it. . .I don't want to hurt their feelings. Also, if any of it gets repeated to someone else. . .well, Cordelia will be getting serious competition as the Queen Bitch of Sunnydale High." She turned away and concluded, "If you still feel the same way after you're done, I'll support your decision and help you as best I can." She nodded to Faith and left.  
  
Faith stared at the small book for a long moment, then raised her knees so as to make it easier for her to turn the pages with one hand. She smiled cynically at Buffy's attitude; sure, it was a nice gesture, but how was B expecting her to react, anyway? After all, it was just words on a page. . .what could they do for her? She opened the diary and began reading:  
  
March 12, 1997  
  
  
"A whole new beginning". . .yeah, right. Mom drops me off at Sunnydale High, and I'm figuring that I can go back to living a normal life. . .no such luck. I'm not there two hours when some tweed-covered librarian is dropping a book with "Vampyr" on the cover in front of me. I tried to blow him off, but next thing I know there's a dead body in the locker room, and I need to see tweed guy to find out what's going on. He gives me the whole boring speech that Merrick gave me about me being the Chosen One, yada, yada, yada. . .doesn't he get it? I've had it with all of that crap. So I'm at this club, and what happens? Vamps drag off two of the few friends I managed to make here on my first day. So I pummel these vamps, save one of my friends and lose the other one, and meanwhile some broody hottie shows up and keeps pushing all of this destiny crap on me. . .I just can't win. So I end up in this nasty battle to the death with some big vampire who's having a suckfest at the dance club to let loose his boss. . .some wanna be big shot called the Master. . .on the world and end it all. * Sigh * Anyway, fortunately this vamp is as dumb as he is strong, and I con him into a nice easy staking. Then I give the other ones in the room a nasty stare, and they all disappear like Vanilla Ice's career prospects. I just can't get away from this crap. . .oh well, I met some nice friends in the deal, and they're cool with the whole Slayer thing, so that's a plus. Willow is a sweet girl who is like the biggest brain at the entire school. . .nice for a homework challenged girl like myself, and Xander is an OK guy. . .kinda goofy, but he followed me down into some really nasty sewers to help rescue his buddy Jesse. . .who ended up as a vampire. Xander took it badly, but he was right there at the club with me, fighting the vamps and ended up staking his former bud in the deal. . . harsh. Giles, my new Watcher, has got to be the straightest human unit on the planet, but he's OK, I guess. . .I evidently don't meet his idea of what a Slayer should be, so he's going to try to straighten me out. . .we'll see about that.  
  
Faith finished the entry and laughed to herself. . .this was Buffy? Miss High and Mighty, Older and Wiser Slayer was writing this less than two years ago? She shook her head and thought * You can never know about people, can you? * She turned a few pages ahead, looking for a particular entry, and began reading again:  
  
April 12, 1997  
  
Angel is a vampire.  
  
I'm sitting here, writing this, and I still can't believe it. He saved me from these three seriously leather and metal obsessed vamps who went by the deeply original name, "The Three." We got away and made it to my house. He was hurt, so I helped bandage his wound and . . .God he looks great without a shirt on. Anyway, I stashed him in my house overnight because of the three pissed off vamps wandering around outside, and I found him still in my room when I got back. He was nervous. . .told me that he shouldn't be around me. . .and that he wanted to kiss me. Before I knew it, we were. . .his lips are so soft and cool. . .and I found out why they were so cool when he pulled back and turned away from me. I pulled him back. . .and saw the face of a demon. I screamed as loudly as I ever have, and he dove out of my window. . .Mom came, and I lied to her about seeing someone at the window. She bought it, but I can't sleep. Why did he help me. . .why didn't he kill me, or worse? I could have woken up this morning in serious need of a suntan and looking for the nearest blood bank, but I didn't. Damn it, having to fight monsters is bad enough. . .trying to understand what they are thinking is worse. I need to talk to Giles, Xander and Willow. . .they'll know what to do.  
  
April 14, 1997  
  
I thought that understanding what was going on would make it easier. . .I was wrong. Giles came up with the 411 on Angel. He's 240 years old, and was a horrible monster for most of those years, then for some reason he stopped killing and came to the States. When Giles told me, I was ready to at least talk to him. . .find out what in the hell was going on. . .until I found him holding my bleeding mother in his arms, staring at me with those evil yellow eyes.  
  
I introduced him to the plate glass window in the living room, then told him that he wasn't welcome there any more. Mom made it through O.K., thank goodness. . .though she was confused. I couldn't believe how stupid I had been. . .I let him get inside, and he had nearly killed Mom. . .I grabbed the crossbow that Giles had just finished getting me up to speed with and went after him with murder in my heart.   
  
I found him in the Bronze, and after a scuffle I had him dead to rights. His face turned human and he taunted me to finish it. I would have. . .but I needed to know. I asked him to justify himself. . .and he was blunt about what had happened to him. He was a monster who picked the wrong victim one night. . .and her relatives restored his soul. The guilt of what he had done during those years was naked in his eyes, though he admitted he still had the urge to kill. . .which was why he had been unable to tell me that he hadn't attacked Mom. We had just come to that little understanding when that bitch Darla showed up and started whining about how terrible it was that Angel had abandoned her after she had turned him and they had been together for years. Like I cared. I pointed the crossbow at her, and she pulled out two big ugly pistols and shot Angel before trying to blow my kneecaps off. That sucked. . .Giles and the others arrived and tried to distract her, but I was starting to feel like I had wandered into one of those shoot-em-up computer games when Angel snuck up behind Darla and staked her. I'll never forget the look of complete shock and betrayal on her face when she turned to him and whispered, "Angel?" before she burst into dust. He just looked at me for a minute, then walked into the darkness and vanished.  
  
He showed up tonight at the Bronze, and we talked. . .I know I can't see him any more, no matter how much I want to. It's just too complicated. I hope he'll be all right.  
  
Faith stopped and shook her head. * Willpower can be a bitch, B. . .it can abandon you when you need it most. . .and you definitely could have used it with Angel. * She yawned, and realized that it was late. She put the diary in the bedstand drawer, turned off the light, and instantly fell asleep.  
  
  
  
. . .to be continued  
  
  
  
As always, comments are welcomed and desired  
  



	2. Part II

WORDS ON A PAGE  
  
Part II  
  
  
Faith opened her eyes slowly and looked up at the ceiling. The pain was minimal; clearly, the pain medication was doing its job, and her Slayer healing abilities were busily dealing with her injuries at a rate that would have astonished her doctor, who was not one of the ones who had raised an eyebrow at the phenomenal recovery of one Buffy Summers. She raised her head and immediately spotted the silent figure sitting next to the door of the dimly lit hospital room. She smiled and commented, "I guess it isn't morning yet, Angel."  
  
The vampire smiled and pulled his chair up near her bed as he replied, "Not yet. How are you feeling?"  
  
Faith grinned and responded, "Not bad. I should be hospitalized more often. That reminds me, who's paying for this?"  
  
Angel smiled evilly and replied, "From what Buffy said, the Council is. . .I think it was part of her whole threat to tell them to take a hike. Evidently, they believed her."  
  
Faith laughed and shook her head, commenting, "You guys are going to a lot of trouble for someone who's spent a lot of time telling you to go to hell lately. . .not to mention that Wesley and his goons beat the crap out of you." She gave him a concerned look and elaborated, "I was pretty pissed off at you, but I'm glad they didn't stake you. . .you didn't deserve that."  
  
Angel laughed and commented, "That's not what you thought three months ago."  
  
Faith winced and replied defensively, "All right, I was pissed off, O.K.? I didn't know you then, and Xander wasn't exactly singing your praises, you know?" She frowned, then continued, "He did try to stop me after we found Giles, though. He said the M.O. didn't fit. . .damn that bitch Post."  
  
Angel winced and commented, "Yeah, she did a lot of damage. . .good thing that I recovered soon enough to save Willow, or-" He saw Faith tense up, and he changed the subject, asking, "So how is your little reading assignment coming along?"  
  
Faith blinked and retorted, "I thought B said not to tell anyone that she gave it to me? What kind of game is she playing?"  
  
Angel laughed and soothed, "She just wanted someone else to know what was going on. . .someone who wouldn't be overly offended by the thought of your reading her diary when no one else was allowed to." His face clouded over momentarily, and Faith wondered whether Buffy had been right to assume that about Angel as he continued, "Anyway, she said to tell you not to tell me any specifics. . .just whether you had any general thoughts you wanted to pass back to her."  
  
Faith frowned and replied, "Not too much yet. . .just some of the entries from when she first came to Sunnydale. . .she's changed a lot, hasn't she?"  
  
Angel nodded, then elaborated, "Being the Slayer isn't easy under any circumstances. . .living on the Hellmouth for two years is nightmarish. . .and, of course, I played my own role in her problems." Faith saw the infinite sadness in his dark eyes as he spoke, and she inwardly shook her head as she contemplated the existence that Angel had to endure. . .what a mess. She glanced at the wall clock in the room and commented, "It's almost morning. . .you'd better bail."  
  
Angel nodded and replied, "My relief should be here soon. I'll wait, then leave through the sewer tunnels. . .I'll be fine." He turned away, whispering, "Good night," as he started to leave.  
  
Faith waited a moment, then called out, "Angel."  
  
The vampire turned back and replied, "Yes, Faith?"  
  
The Slayer looked at Angel with a calm expression, then continued, "Uh. . .I'm not promising anything about what I might do after I finish reading and leave here. . .but thanks. I know you were trying to look out for me. . .even if I hate the whole headshrinking thing."  
  
Angel met her gaze with concern, then nodded in acknowledgement and left the room. After a moment, Faith took out Buffy's diary and began reading again.  
  
January 20, 1998  
  
  
So much has happened in the last forty-eight hours that I can hardly believe it. I woke up on the day before my birthday shaking from a dream that Drusilla was still alive and killed Angel in front of me before I could stop her. Giles and Angel both tried to reassure me, but my dreams have been prophetic before, and I was on edge all day. Anyway, the next day, Miss Calendar drove me out to the Bronze, where Giles supposedly had some business for me to do. . .and we run into a bunch of vamps with a box. Mucho slayage followed, ending with me and a vamp crashing through a plate glass window. . .right into my surprise birthday party. I so loathe the Hellmouth. Miss Calendar brings in the box the vamps were guarding. . .and before I know it this totally gross arm is choking me. Did I mention I hate the Hellmouth?  
  
Anyway, my buds pull the arm off of me, and Angel and Giles go into this creepy backstory about this Judge demon who was summoned to rid the Earth of the plague of humanity. . .is it me, or do demons have a one track mind? The arm was a piece of the Judge. . .and we had to get it out of here, and Angel was elected. He was going to be gone for months. . .and I felt something curl up and die inside me at the thought of being separated from him for that long.   
  
Anyway, to make a long story short, vamps ambushed us at the harbor, got the arm, and Angel and I wound up in the drink. After some research, Angel and I go over to the factory that I saw in a dream looking to do a little recon. . .only to get grabbed by Spike and Drusilla's goons and come face to face with this Judge guy. . .all put together and ready to kill us. We escaped. . .but it was close, and by the time we got back to Angel's apartment I was shaking like a leaf. I had almost lost Angel twice in one night. . .and enough was enough. Angel hesitated at first, but I made it clear that "not yet" was not good enough any more.   
  
We made love, and for a few stolen moments it felt like Spike, Dru, the Judge, and all of the other damned problems that the Hellmouth spits out at us on a daily basis went away. I fell asleep next to him, feeling completely safe and loved.  
  
When I woke up, he was gone. I looked everywhere for him, but he was nowhere to be found. When I went to the library and checked in, none of the others had seen him either. He wouldn't have gone after the Judge alone, would he? It would be suicide. . .I can't bear the thought of losing him now.  
  
I'm going to try his place again now. . .I hope he's there.  
  
January 22, 1998  
  
A part of me has died. Angel is lost to me forever.   
  
When I found him in his apartment, he was so cold. . .treated what we had done like it meant nothing. I was in so much shock that I didn't make the obvious conclusion. . .then I found him at the school, holding Willow by the throat and standing off against Miss Calendar and Xander. He taunted me about Angel being dead, and how we would all soon follow. I was frozen. . .thank God Xander came up behind him with a cross and freed Willow. . .but I just let him go. . .I was totally out of it.   
  
I had another dream that night, and suddenly a bunch of stuff that seemed odd fit right into place. I walked into Miss Calendar's classroom and grabbed her by the neck. . .and she admitted to being there to spy on Angel, sent by her people. . .the Gypsies who cast the curse. Apparently, they had failed to tell her that a moment of perfect happiness would end the curse. . .oh God, what have I done? I begged her to recast the curse, but it was lost to her people long ago. . .he's gone.  
  
We still had to stop the Judge, and Xander came up with a good plan. . .feels weird to have to thank Ethan Rayne for the assist. Miss Calendar offered to help, but I told her to go away, and Giles backed me up. Maybe I'm being unfair. . .she's helped us before, but I look at her and see "traitor", and with what has happened to Angel I just can't bear the sight of her.  
  
Willow's new friend Oz suggested that Dru and Angel would probably take the Judge to the mall. . .lots of people to kill. Score for the new guy. . .they were there all right. A chill went down my spine as I watched Angel and Drusilla walk down the stairs, flanking that big ugly blue demon. I got his attention with a crossbow bolt, then leveled that nifty rocket launcher at him. He just stood there without a clue, but Angel and Drusilla knew what was coming. . .I had a moment of dark joy as they dove for cover with panic stricken expressions, just before the missile blew the Judge into little smoking bits. . .problem solved.  
  
Angel took off, and I chased him down into the lobby of the movie theater as the sprinklers soaked everything. The sneaky bastard got in a punch before I saw him, but Evil Angel spends too much time shooting his mouth off, and after a couple of minutes I had him dead to rights. . .and I couldn't do it. He taunted me with it, which was a mistake: I gave him a nice kick in the family jewels and left him lying under the downpour, warning him that sooner or later, I would be ready.  
  
Giles drove me home, and I was ready to hear it from him. . .God, I wanted him to tell me how stupid I'd been, how disappointed he was in me. But he was great. . .he said that I couldn't have known what would happen. . .and that the times ahead would be tough for all of us.   
  
I have to kill him. . .I just hope I can make myself do it before it's too late.  
  
  
Faith paused and considered what she had just read. * No wonder she never wanted to talk about it. . .she does the whole responsible thing for months, then one slip and her boyfriend turns into Super Stalker. . .I went over the line the other night. . .whatever else was going on with her, she wasn't enjoying Psycho Angel on any level. * She frowned and turned a few pages ahead, then began reading again.  
  
February 25, 1998  
  
I finally understand something of what Angel always was going through before he lost his soul. . .great timing for such a nifty insight, huh? Guilt eats away at you like an acid. . .it burns away your ability to laugh, to enjoy anything about your life. . .not that my life has been a barrel of laughs up to now. . .but, God, can I ever be forgiven for what I have allowed to happen?  
  
Angel left a sketch of me sleeping in my room the other night. . .just to let me know he could get to me whenever he wanted. One nice thing about my ex. . .his sadism is making him keep me around just to watch me suffer. If it had been Spike, he would have drained me dry and taken Drusilla out for a walk in the park afterwards. . .or whatever those two sickos like to do on the town.  
  
Anyway, Giles got on the project of uninviting Angel to all of the places that he had access to (Cordelia was bitching endlessly about him having access to her car), and I faced the prospect of dealing with telling Mom what I could to warn her. . .without letting her in on that little secret about me being the Slayer. Meanwhile, I ran into Miss Calendar once or twice, and I could see that Giles still had feelings for her. . .damn it, I was still mad, but I knew that it wasn't really that much her fault what had happened, and even though I needed more time before I could stand to be around her, I couldn't stand to have Giles hurting too. I came up to her before school the next day (after having Willow over for the night after she found her fish strung together in an envelope in her room, courtesy of Angel), and basically let her know that things weren't O.K. between us, but I didn't want Giles to be alone.   
  
We uninvited Angel to all of the appropriate places. . .except Giles' apartment. . .Angel must have come by some time when I wasn't around, damn it. He showed up and hassled Mom while we were inside the house, and we concluded the ceremony just in time to keep him out. . .but not in time to stop the bastard from telling her that we had slept together. Ugh. . .The Talk. . .if I ever do that to my own daughter. . .someone stake me, please. Anyway, Willow and I were talking calmly when the phone rang. I picked up, and Giles told me that Angel had killed Miss Calendar. At that moment, I went totally numb. I faintly felt Willow take the phone from me, then heard her start sobbing uncontrollably as Giles told her what had happened. I heard Mom calling out, trying to find out what had happened, but it was all so distant. . .then a cold chill ran through me as I realized what Giles might do now.  
  
I called Cordelia and Xander and asked them to swing by the police station to try to reach Giles before he left. They were too late, and they drove us to Giles' place. . .the place that had always been so friendly and comfortable when we visited was alien now, covered with police tape and fingerprint dust. A drawing of Miss Calendar, dead, was on the table in the living room. . .the bastard had made her part of a piece of performance art. His weapons were gone. . .he had gone after Angel. Xander was all for it, and I couldn't blame him. . .but Giles was going to die unless I stopped him.  
  
Cordelia drove me to the Factory, and I rushed in to find the place on fire and Angel holding Giles by the throat. I interrupted that little encounter, and we fought until Angel laughed and asked if I was going to let "my old man" burn. I looked and saw that Giles was about to become parboiled. . .I got him out of there. He came around and actually snarled at me about it not being my fight. . .I hit him. . .knocked him to the ground. . .and just lost it. He had almost died, and it was all my fault. I dropped and hugged him, telling him that I couldn't do it without him, and we both sobbed as the Factory burned behind us.  
  
We buried her today. I wish I could see a hint of accusation on his face, but there is only the sadness. I'm ready to do it now. . .I've known all along that Angel was lost to me forever, now I have to prove it to myself. . .by killing him.  
  
  
  
Faith stopped reading and sighed. * B's carrying all of this guilt around. . .no wonder she wigged out when he came back. . . * She read for a while, then leafed ahead to a certain page, and began reading.  
  
  
October 28, 1998  
  
  
. . .so I'm walking through the woods, wondering if another werewolf is loose in Sunnydale and hoping that whatever the explanation is doesn't involve Oz eating that poor student when I hear something. I check it out, and the next thing I know something knocks me down. I turn around, ready to fight and make damned sure I don't get bitten when. . .I looked into Angel's eyes. . .and my heart stopped for a moment.  
  
There was blood on his mouth, but his face was human as he attacked me. We fought, but he was way off his game and I knocked him out without too much trouble. I dragged him back to his mansion and found an outline on the floor. . .right where I had left the ring he gave me. Weirdness. I chained him up and left him there.   
  
When Giles found me surrounded with serious research materials in the morning, I told him that I had been having dreams about Angel coming back, and asked what to expect if he did. His answers chilled me: he would have experienced what would have been centuries of torture from his viewpoint. . .he would almost certain be totally insane. . .a monster. Sensing my distress, he suggested that someone might be able to keep some semblance of sanity, but only if they had "extraordinary will and character". . .I love Angel, but I wasn't sure that he had what it took. Willow showed up, and I was really abrupt with her, trying to find out whether Angel had killed that student without spilling the beans. She didn't know for sure one way or another, and I went back to Angel and found that he was still completely ready to tear me to pieces. I thought I was going to lose it. . .but I decided that I had to trust Mr. Platt with the truth. . .I needed to tell someone who Angel hadn't hurt.   
  
Just my luck. . .I start to pour my heart out to him, and suddenly I see that his cigarette has burned almost to his fingers. . .he's very dead. Oz didn't do it, and neither did Angel. Great, all I needed was another potential crisis to deal with. So it turns out that Scott's friend Pete is the prime suspect, and Willow and I find his girlfriend Debbie and grill her, finding out that Pete has turned himself into "super macho abusive boyfriend." As Cordelia has put it in the past, "Over-identify much?"   
  
We all burst in and find Pete fighting with wolfy Oz. . .not good. Debbie shoves me just as I'm trying to tranquilize Pete, and Giles winds up taking an unscheduled nap. Faith and Willow go after Oz while I whale on Pete. . .who is not a pushover. He gets away and I eventually find myself in a storage room. . .where Debbie is dead on the floor. Damn it. . .why couldn't she have listened to us? Serious regrets were interrupted as Pete jumped out of the shadows and started pounding on me. I was seriously not loving life when Angel showed up. . .the chains just hadn't done the job. He was in game face, and he proceeded to beat the holy crap out of Pete, after which he snapped Pete's neck like a twig. After he had finished, Angel walked up to me, his face returning to normal as he stared at me. After a moment, he spoke for the first time: "Buffy?"  
  
I was in total shock as he dropped to the floor in front of me and buried his face in my jacket, sobbing my name. Tears ran down my face as I just stood there, letting him hold me.  
  
As I write this, he is sleeping, writhing in agony with the torments of his dreams. I can't tell the others yet. . .the things he did to them while without his soul are too fresh in their memories. I have to try to make him well. . .then I can think of how to let everyone know what has happened. . .to let them know that Angel is O.K. again. . .I just hope that I'm doing the right thing.  
  
  
  
Faith closed the diary and considered its words. * I was so mad at her from hiding Angel from me. . .she was so scared and confused. . ."over-identify much" indeed. Damn it, I should still be mad at her about it. . .shouldn't I? * Shaking her head at her cognitive dissonance, she put the diary away and drifted off to sleep.  
  
  
  
. . .to be continued  
  
  
  
As always, comments are welcomed and desired  
  



	3. Part III

WORDS ON A PAGE  
  
Part III  
  
  
Faith's eyes fluttered open, and she saw the blurry figure of a dark-haired man sitting by the door. At first, she thought that Angel had remained there after all, but then she saw a beam of sunlight hitting a patch of bare skin, and her vision cleared further to reveal Xander. His expression was pensive, and when Faith met his gaze, she saw him flinch momentarily before regaining his composure and commenting, "Uh. . .hey, Faith. . .good morning."  
  
Faith managed a faint smile and replied, "Good morning yourself. . .how long have you been here?"  
  
Xander shrugged and responded, "An hour or two. . .I'm not sure."  
  
Faith noticed that Xander hadn't brought a book, newspaper, or anything else to keep him busy during his wait. She commented, "You've just been sitting there for all of that time without anything to do? You must have been bored out of your mind."  
  
Xander looked at her sadly and replied, "I had a lot to think about." His voice was calm, but Faith could see the tension in how he was sitting: there was fear there, and something else that she could not identify.  
  
The Slayer sighed and requested, "Xander, could you move over here by the bed?" Xander flinched again, and Faith looked at him and added quietly, "Please?"  
  
Xander looked at her and saw no hostility there, just fatigue and a touch of regret. He nodded slowly and pulled his chair up next to the bed. He forced himself to relax and looked back at Faith as he commented, "You're looking better. . .that Slayer healing thing must be great."  
  
She looked at him and saw the faint bruising along his throat. She closed her eyes for a moment, then whispered, "Too bad I can't share it with you."  
  
Xander smiled softly and replied, "Hey. . .don't worry. . .as attempts to kill me went, it wasn't one of the worst. You didn't try to bite my head off, or suck the life-force out of me, or drain my blood and make me into a vampire love slave. . .that was Dru's little contribution. A little loss of oxygen. . .hey, that's par for the course on the Hellmouth."  
  
Faith looked at him and shook her head as she replied, "Damn it, Xander. . .I know what you're trying to do. . .but don't." She took a deep breath and continued, "Xander. . .I know how it must have looked. . .how it must have sounded. . .but I wasn't going to kill you. I was mad. . .mad that I had screwed up. . .mad that B wouldn't let me bury it. . .mad at Giles for believing her over me. . .and you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was trying to scare you-"  
  
Xander blinked and looked down as he commented, "You succeeded."  
  
Faith reached out with her good hand and squeezed his hand softly as she replied, "I know. . .look, Xander. I won't apologize for not wanting to make more out of what we did last month in my room. . .I am what I am. But you've been straight with me, even when you probably didn't want to, like when you knew Angel hadn't attacked Giles and I didn't listen. I know what you were trying to do. . .I was just too pissed off to deal with it. I know she's your friend. . .it was stupid for me to expect you to believe me over her. . .especially when, well, she was telling the truth."  
  
Xander sighed and squeezed her hand back as he responded, "Faith, we all wanted to help. . .but we'd seen how Buffy reacted when she thought she had killed someone. . .and that was a situation where she had been attacked first. Faith, what happened was a terrible accident. . .but you didn't want to kill that guy. What happened after that was the problem. . .Faith, I know it's been tough on you here, being the newcomer, losing your Watcher like you did, then having that faker come around and stab you in the back and call you an idiot for trusting her. We've all had our screw-ups. . .and some of them have been big ones, but we all have to stick together. . .between the stuff that the Hellmouth spits at us, and those stuffy idiots in England screwing things up, it's the only way we're going to make it."  
  
Faith nodded and replied, "I know. . .I just have to decide if I can deal with that. . .or whether I should just bail and leave you guys to deal with things with people you trust." She paused for a moment, then asked, "Xander. . .why do you do it? I know how it must have sounded when we were all trying to keep you out of the fights. . .but I was really worried, you know? Fighting vamps on a regular basis is tough enough for us chosen types. . .you're decent in a fight, but you've been pushing your luck for years now. . .why haven't you just backed off?"  
  
Xander looked at her and saw the genuine curiosity there, and responded, "I almost did a few times. . .I've had some big blow-ups with Buffy. . .I'm amazed sometimes that she still speaks to me, with the things I've said to her. . .did she ever tell you about the time I threatened to kill her? That was an ugly scene. . .most of our fights have been over Angel, of course, but other things pop up now and again. It's not easy having your hero as one of your best friends, Faith. But it's worth it. . .you've never talked too much about it, but I gather your family life kind of sucked. I've had both of my parents all along, and they've never beaten me up or starved me, but they have done a pretty good job of ignoring me. . .and until I was clued in on this being the supernatural party center of the world, I was just another guy dreaming of getting out of the crappy small town I happened to be born in. Then I met Buffy. . .and it all changed, both good and bad. It's not great finding out you're living on ground zero. . .but as long as I keep helping Buffy, Giles. . .and you, if something goes bad next week and I wind up six feet under, at least it means something. I'm not looking to end up dead, but I know it can happen, and if it does, I want it to count."  
  
Faith watched him for a moment after he finished, and was relieved to see that most of the fear was gone from his body language, though she could still see a certain hesitancy that she intuitively believed would probably remain. * Damn, I finally do the nasty with someone who probably wouldn't have screwed me over if I had pursued it for the long haul, and I scare him off. . .oh well, story of my life. * She squeezed his hand again, and commented, "It has counted, Xander, for them and for me. . .I was too busy jumping your bones that night to say it, so I'm saying it now: thanks for saving my life, Xander. . .both times."  
  
Xander blinked and replied, "You're welcome. . .wait, both times? You know about. . .?"  
  
Faith smiled softly, amused at Xander's sudden loss of composure, and replied, "Yeah. . .you might want to have a talk with Buffy. Apparently you made her suspicious, and she started asking some questions. . .nice night you had. Thanks for keeping the heat off us while we dealt with that little problem of saving the world."  
  
Xander smiled back at her, genuinely at ease for the first time since he had entered the room, and responded, "You're welcome." He looked at her for a moment, then commented, "I should let you get some more rest. . .I'll wait outside. . .if someone breaks in through the window, give me a yell, and I'll be right in."  
  
Faith locked eyes with him and responded, "I know you will." She squeezed his hand again and released it as he stood up to leave. She watched him until the door closed behind him, and she was relieved to see his body language looked relatively normal. * I've got to find a way to make it up to him. . .whether or not I stay. * She took the diary out of the drawer, flipped a few pages, and began reading again:  
  
  
April 9, 1997  
  
  
When you live in the undead party capital of the world, you get used to a lot of weird stuff, including the occasional ickyness of running across a monster with the face of someone you used to know. I never saw this one coming, though. Our field trip to the zoo ended up with Xander and four of the school misfits being possessed by this nasty hyena spirit. I knew he was acting weird, but it wasn't until he was really mean to Willow that I knew something was seriously wrong. . .Xander would walk through fire for her, even if he is clueless about Willow having the hots for him.  
  
Giles was not helpful at first. . .wrote it off to teenage guy behavior. . .like he has a clue about that. Willow's news about that cute little pig mascot Herbert being eaten (eww!) and my remembering the stuff about the hyenas got Giles' busy with the books, and what he found sent me out after Xander before stuff got really bad. He came up behind me while I was looking over the pig parts, and, well. . .let's just say that hyenas don't have any problems with attempted sex crimes. He was strong, but I introduced him to the business end of a desk, and I dragged him back to the library and dumped him into the book cage-where he missed out on his buddies eating Mr. Flutie (big eww!!)-and left Willow to watch him while we went to the hyena keeper. Bad idea. Xander's hyena buddies broke him out and went out for more easy food. I had to go after them and get them to follow me while Willow and Giles went to help the zookeeper reverse the possession. . .but since this is Sunnydale, when I showed up with five pissed off human/hyenas behind me, the zookeeper had a knife at Willow's throat and Giles was nowhere to be seen. Great. It actually was lucky that the guy had the spell ready and sucked the hyena right out of Xander and the flying monkeys. Xander took one look at the guy holding a knife on Willow and attacked him, sending him tumbling, which gave me time to pound on him for a while and toss him into the hyena pen (one word: yuck.).  
  
Xander was his old self again, though the whole thing had him wigged out. He said he didn't remember any of it. . .I don't know if he's telling the truth, or if he's just trying to help Willow and I get past his seriously heinous actions while he was Hyena Boy. Either way, it's good to have him back.  
  
  
  
Faith chuckled and shook her head, then moved on to another entry:  
  
  
June 8, 1997  
  
  
This is not something I ever expected to be able to write. . .how many people get to write about how they died? It started the other day with an earthquake, Xander asking me out to Spring Fling (ouch. . .it really hurt him when I said no. . .life sucks sometimes), and my walking in on Giles and Angel talking about the latest prophecy. . .where I face the Master and die. I lost it. . .I screamed at both of them and told them I was quitting, that I was sixteen and didn't want to die. I stormed out, resolved to drop all of this crap for good. . .  
  
. . .but it only lasted until Willow and Cordelia walked in on a bloodbath on campus. Vamps had come and butchered Cordelia's boyfriend and his buddies and left them in the school lounge in front of a TV set playing cartoons. It really shook Willow up, and as she talked to me with tears in her eyes I realized that I just couldn't walk away from this, no matter what. I went to Giles, still wearing the nice dress that Mom bought for me to wear to Spring Fling, and found that Giles was there with Miss Calendar, preparing to face the Master himself. . .no way, Giles. I listened patiently to his determined arguments for going himself, then knocked him cold with a nice punch to the jaw (should we be worrying about Giles taking blows to the head?). Miss Calendar had been clued in. . .she told me that I would die if I went after the Master. I told her that maybe I would take him with me. . .but I don't think I believed it.  
  
The Anointed One (a little kid. . .who would have thought?) led me into the Master's lair, and after an embarrassingly short cat and mouse game, he got me. He gloated about me setting him free, then bit me. I blacked out. . .and woke up with Xander looking down at me with an anguished look. Insanely, I wondered if he was still upset over my turning him down for the Spring Fling. . .then I remembered. I sat up and saw that Angel was there too. The water that I was coughing out of my lungs made it clear what had happened: the Master had dropped me into the pool after draining enough of my blood to get free, I had drowned, and Xander had brought me back. Angel told me later that Xander had come to him and told him that I had gone after the Master, and that he lost all hope until Xander confronted him and convinced him to lead Xander to the Master's lair, which could have been almost certain death for both of them. . .God, I don't deserve friends like these.   
  
Anyway, I felt stronger than ever for some strange reason, and we still had to deal with the Master and the Hellmouth. I was pissed off, and I stormed up onto the school roof (don't ask me how, I just knew where he was). We fought, and it was an even fight, particularly after he tried that hokey hypnosis trick on me again and I blew him off. Luckily, a broken table in the library below gave me an opening, and the Master wound up impaled on it. . .left a skeleton. . .don't see that every day when you're fighting vamps. Anyway, the Master's death got rid of all of the weird stuff, and we all went to the Spring Fling. I'm still dealing with the whole thing. . .but I know that I've got the best friends in the world. . .they brought me back from the other side, and I'm not going to leave them again without a good fight.  
  
  
September 17, 1997  
  
I learned something this week. . .issues don't just go away because you want them to. I came back to Sunnydale on Sunday, and immediately I had to save Xander and Willow from a vamp. . .my life as a Slayer goes on. I tried to pick up where I left off, and physically, it was no problem. But I kept seeing the Master's face. . .in my dreams, on the practice dummy that I kicked to pieces, and in the corner of my eye as I walked my patrol. As for interacting with people. . .forget it. Mom had to be convinced that I was going catatonic. . .Angel shows up at my window and I'm totally rude to him. . .then at the Bronze the other night, oh God. I show up dressed to kill, tell Angel "I've moved on to the living," then drag Xander out on the dance floor right in front of Willow, get him all worked up, then. . .ugh, I can't write it. Suffice it to say I left him there rather annoyed at me. Cordelia actually came out and lectured me. . .that should have been my wakeup call: the Queen Bitch of Sunnydale High thought I had gone over the top. Then I wander through the cemetery where the Master's bones were buried and find a vacancy. . .great.   
  
It turns out that there is a way to bring a vampire back from the dead: I snapped at Giles for not letting me know about it and at Willow and Xander for butting in. Snyder's arrival, for once, was timely, and we got together again after school in the library. Giles had a bead on the ritual, and we got a message that Cordelia had been kidnapped, and I insisted on going alone to get her, over the protests of the others. Angel showed up, trying to cover my back, and I actually challenged him to kick my ass. He ignored my taunts and followed me into where a single vamp dressed like Cordelia was waiting for us. Too late, I figured out that something was wrong and ran back to the library while Angel kept the vamp cooped up.  
  
The library was a mess and Xander was the only one left there. Giles had misunderstood the ritual: it required the blood of the persons physically closest to the Master when he died: Giles, Willow, Cordelia, and Miss Calendar. I had really screwed things up, and Xander nearly tore my head off. . .he threatened to kill me if Willow got hurt, and in the state he was in he might have been able to do it. We went back to the Bronze, and I used a cross creatively to find out from the vamp where the prisoners were.  
  
We got there in time, and Angel and Xander freed our friends while I cut loose on the vampires. Funny, as stupidly as I had been acting, I was at the top of my game. The last vamp had a sledgehammer, which fell to the ground after I shoved a lit torch into his chest, and I picked it up and began carefully smashing the Master's bones into powder. After a while, I stopped, and Angel was there as I started sobbing. He just held me as the others watched from above.  
  
I was ready for serious groveling this morning, but Giles tried to cheer me up, telling me that I'd undoubtedly make bigger mistakes later (thank a whole heap, Giles!). Willow and Xander acted as if nothing had happened when I got to our first class together. . .my buds are great, yes they are, and I'm going to be level-headed Buffy from now on. . .it's the least I can do for them.  
  
  
  
Faith paused and considered what she had just read. * B's been ready to chuck it all more than once. . .and who can blame her? I took off from Boston when I thought I was going to die if I stayed. . .but she always comes back. . .and it usually comes down to her friends. She meant it when she told me she didn't quit on her friends. . . * She leafed ahead a number of pages, then began reading again:  
  
  
October 6, 1998  
  
  
It's taken four months and being kidnapped by the minions of Hell, but I've decided to go home. I left because I couldn't deal. . .because everything I did seemed to hurt my friends and family, and I was just so tired of it all. . .but it didn't help. The supernatural won't leave me alone. . .and I know that they still need me back there. . .I just hope that my being gone hasn't hurt them too much.  
  
  
  
October 10, 1998  
  
  
It didn't go smoothly, of course. My buds had been covering the Hellmouth for me while I was gone, and though they were polite at first, they were pretty harsh during the party they set up for my return, and the fact that I went upstairs and started packing didn't help. Xander was really nasty. . .I almost decked him when he made some crack about having a demon as an ex-honey not being an excuse for hopping on a bus. Then a bunch of zombies crashed the party (nothing like the Hellmouth to provide random chaos in my life), and it was like we had never been apart. . .everyone came together and helped deal with the problem. . .the first thing Xander said after the zombies showed up was "I got your back." Damn it. . .I really wanted to stay pissed off at him. So the bottom line was, I get a lot of grief (Willow teased me mercilessly when it was all over), but I'm forgiven. . .I can live with that.  
  
  
  
November 19, 1998  
  
  
. . . so I walk into the library ready to tell Giles about the glove and they're waiting for me. From the expressions on their faces it isn't good. I sit down and Giles tells me that they know that Angel is back. It went downhill from there: Xander was his typically nasty self where Angel is involved, Cordelia sniped about not wanting to be on the receiving end of the next Angelus rampage, and Willow alternated from begging for me to admit that I needed help to complaining that the others were being too confrontational. . .Oz was relatively quiet, but I could sense his disapproval. Giles said very little, and shut the others up when voices started being raised. When they left, I went into Giles' office and tried to explain, but he very quietly tore me to shreds, telling me that I didn't respect him and reminding me what Angel had done to him last year. I could deal with what the others had said. . . .but Giles. . .it was all I could do not to throw myself at his feet sobbing and begging for forgiveness. I held it together and left, knowing that I had to make it right with him and to the others, even though I still thought that protecting Angel had been the right thing to do.  
  
The next night I went out with Willow and killed Lagos. . .tip to the demons out there-don't carry an axe around if you're not planning to use it; otherwise, it's just something for your friendly neighborhood Slayer to grab and give you a short haircut with. We went back to the library to give Giles the good news and found the paramedics there carting Giles away with yet another head injury (I'm amazed the man has any brain cells left at this point). He mutters something about destroying the glove with living flame and is taken out, leaving Xander there with an odd look on his face. A bit of pointed questioning informed me that Faith had concluded that Angel had to go, and that she also thought that he had attacked Giles. . .and she had a ten minute lead on me. I think I totally blew away the world record for the two mile run getting up to the mansion, and got there just in time to stop her from staking Angel. I tried to get her to calm down and talk, but between whatever Xander told her, that damned Post woman goading her on, and her generally being as pissed off at me as everyone else about me hiding Angel, it didn't work, and we started fighting.  
  
Remind me not to fight Faith again any time soon. . .she's really good. We were beating the hell out of each other (Xander showed up and tried to break it up, but Faith tossed him away like a rag doll. . .Xander, you've got to stop doing that. . .you're going to get killed) when we heard thunder and saw that Ms. Post had put on the Glove. Faith, puzzled, asked what she was doing. That bitch looked contemptuously at Faith and called her an idiot, and I could see the hurt on her face before Ms. Post started calling lightning down and we had to dive for cover. Angel recovered in time to save Willow from being fried, and I asked Faith to distract the lightning tosser. . .she agreed. While Ms. Post sat there and gloated, I picked up a piece of debris and gave it a nice toss, severing her arm and dropping the Glove to the ground, where it promptly fried her. . .harsh. We cleaned up the mess and destroyed the Glove. . .and things seemed to calm down with the others. . .except Faith. Damn it, between Ms. Post being an evil phony (nice job by the Watchers' Council on giving us a heads up on the "evil ex-Watcher" situation. . .don't any of those stuffy idiots know how to use a phone?), and her thinking that I betrayed her by not filling her in on Angel, she wasn't going to trust anyone any more. . .and I know where that leads, better than most. I have to try to convince her to count on us. . .or she's going to end up with the same heartache I've gone through. . .or worse. I haven't been the best example in the world myself, but I have to convince her. . .I just have to.  
  
  
Faith sighed and remembered how she had almost given in and talked to Buffy about the whole thing that day. She had been so mad. . .she just wasn't ready to make peace with Buffy, even though Faith knew she was trying. She yawned: time for some more shuteye. She put the diary away and fell asleep, images from what she had read dancing in her head.  
  
  
  
  
. . .to be continued  
  
  
  
As always, comments are welcomed and desired  
  



	4. Part IV

WORDS ON A PAGE  
  
Part IV  
  
Faith's eyes fluttered open again: she glanced over at the window and saw that the sun had shifted again. She started to glance over at the wall clock to see what time it was, and flinched when she saw who was sitting in the visitor's chair next to the door: Willow. The redhead had noticed that Faith was awake, and her expression was completely neutral as she watched Faith flush in surprise.   
  
The Slayer sighed inwardly. * And I thought that talking to Xander would be tough. * She met Willow's eyes and commented, "Look, Willow. . . if B talked you into this. . .you don't have to be here. I know how you have to feel about me right now. . .and you don't owe me anything. It's broad daylight: I'm sure those idiots on the Council won't try anything right now. . .and B would never forgive me if you got hurt if they did." She forced a reassuring smile and urged, "Go on. . .it's a nice day out. . .have some fun with that cute boyfriend of yours."  
  
Willow's eyes flashed angrily, and she pulled her chair up to Faith's bedside before whispering, "Don't you dare try to get off that easily, Faith." The redhead locked eyes with Faith for several seconds, visibly calming herself, then continued, "When you wound up in here, Buffy asked for volunteers to keep an eye on you. . .and I didn't say anything. As far as I was concerned. . .the Council could have you." Faith had no doubt that Willow meant every word as she continued, "But Xander came to see me today, and he told me what you had said to him. . .and that he believed you."  
  
Faith blinked hard at that, and was about to say something when Willow held up her hand to indicate that she should be silent. The Slayer fell mute, and Willow continued, "At first, I didn't care. . .when you hurt my friends, you hurt me. . .even if they inexplicably decide to forgive you." She paused for a moment, then continued, "But then I started thinking about what I was feeling towards you. . .I was more angry at you than I had ever been at anyone. . .I wasn't even this mad at Spike when he kidnapped me and nearly killed Xander last year. . .and you know what? I can't justify it to myself. Until this whole thing came down, you've been one of us. . .I know it may not have seemed that way to you, but you were. You've been very important to the whole world not ending thing this year, and-in spite of everything-I feel a certain amount of gratitude towards you about that." Willow sighed, then concluded, "Faith. . .we've never really figured each other out. . .we're too different. But I really need to understand things, and if I'm going to work through how I feel about you. . .I need to understand. . .why, Faith? Why did you freak out like that? Why did you turn on the three people who cared about you more than anyone in the world? I need to know."  
  
Faith closed her eyes for a moment, carefully considering her next words. She opened her eyes and met Willow's inquisitive stare as she began, "I guess it really started when we all found out that B was hiding Angel from us. Everyone was mad. . .and I was furious at her. . .it didn't help that Gwendolyn the Bitch had been pushing my buttons, and when Xander told me I just lost it. I was so pissed that I didn't listen to Xander try to tell me something was wrong. Anyway, you know what happened. . .I almost wasted Angel, gave Xander a nice body slam when he tried to stop me and B from beating the crap out of each other. . .and you almost died. Nice night, huh?"  
  
Willow blinked, then replied, "God, Faith. . .you didn't think that we were mad at you over that, did you? We were all a mess that night. . .Xander particularly. . .just bad luck, bad judgment, and an evil Watcher. . .kind of routine for here, actually." In spite of herself, she smiled, then sobered when she saw the expression on Faith's face. She frowned and coaxed, "Sorry, Faith. . .go on."  
  
Faith blinked, then continued, "After that, I took off for a while. . .I needed to think some things out. When I came back, I wanted to try to make things right with B and the rest of you. . .so I helped where I could. That thing with the Council screwing over B kind of made us get tighter as a group. . .as bad as the whole scene was for her, I liked how we were working as a team. . .us against them, you know? Then that thing with those Apocalypse bitches happened, and we all clicked. . .we saved the world, the bunch of us. . .that was such a rush. . .even Xander was in on it, no matter how hard we tried to keep him out of trouble."  
Willow smiled again as Faith continued, "Then they sent Wesley the Weasel here. . .and it all went bad. I got so pissed off. . .they had almost killed B, and she was ready to fall right back in step with what they wanted." She shook her head angrily, and went silent.  
  
"So you decided to tempt her away from the straight and narrow." Willow's voice was neither approving nor condemning; rather, it was matter of fact, trying to get Faith to continue.  
  
"Yeah." Faith's tone was an odd mix of bitterness and wistfulness as she continued, "It was cool for awhile, you know? B doing things my way. . .we kicked some serious butt for a few days." She smiled softly, then frowned as she remembered what had followed and continued, "The cops catching us raiding that sporting goods store for weapons should have clued me in that something was wrong. . .when things go sour in this town. . .for any of us. . .they tend to do it in a big way. But we got away. . .and then there was the other night in the alley." Faith blinked and looked at Willow bleakly as she elaborated, "I never told B this. . .I went back to the body after we took off, and I just crouched there and stared at him for a long time. . .I kept thinking, 'OK, joke's over. . .c'mon, get up'. . .but he didn't, and what I did next just kind of felt like sleepwalking, you know? By the time B came to see me the next morning, I was numb. . .she found me trying to scrub out the bloodstains from my shirt. . .they had been gone for hours, but I couldn't stop."  
  
"Faith, I get that part. . .but why didn't you just let Buffy tell Giles? He would have stood up for you. . .just like he did when we all thought Buffy had killed Ted." Willow's voice was audibly frustrated: she couldn't believe how everything had spun out of control so quickly.  
  
"Sure, I trusted Giles. . .but he wasn't in charge any more. Look at what happened the next morning. . .Wesley gave me and B our marching orders and totally blew off Giles. . .and look what happened when Wesley found out what went down." Faith's voice was flat, as if she were describing the weather, but Willow could sense the underlying frustration as she continued, "I think that's why I was so harsh with B. . .I just wanted it to all go away before that weasel caught wind of it, and I would have said anything to anyone to make it happen."  
  
"So you told Giles Buffy did it." The edge was back in Willow's voice as she reminded Faith of what happened next.  
  
"I knew he wouldn't be as hard on her. . .particularly after what went down a few weeks ago. I thought that she was going to tell anyway. . .and I thought I didn't have anything to lose." Faith's eyes turned bleak again, and she whispered, "I was wrong."  
  
"And Xander?" Willow whispered the question, as if she was hesitant to speak louder for fear that anger would overcome her.  
  
Faith sat up in bed and looked at Willow silently for a moment before replying, "Wrong place, wrong time, Willow. He as much as told me that Giles had lied to me. . .only fair, I suppose, but it still hurt. . .then he tried to push me into coming clean. . .I just lost it. Then he brought up-" She looked at Willow, who visibly flushed. Sighing, Faith locked eyes with her and said, "Look, Willow. . .like I said to Xander, I won't apologize for what happened between me and Xander earlier. . .it's how I am, and if he misread it, it wasn't because I said anything to make him do it. But he's tried to be my friend apart from all of that, and I just misread what he meant. I'll tell you what I told him. . .I wasn't trying to kill him, just scare the hell out of him." She blinked and looked away, concluding, "Still. . .maybe it was just as well that Angel came in when he did. . .my judgment has kind of sucked lately."  
  
Willow smiled softly and replied, "Yeah, it has." The redhead sighed and stood up, commenting, "Faith. . .I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that I'm still pretty mad. . .but you've given me some stuff to think about." She walked over to the door, concluding, "I'll be outside the door with Oz. . .give a yell if someone tries to kidnap you again."   
  
Faith watched Willow depart and retrieved Buffy's diary from the nightstand, flipping a few pages to an entry she had found earlier:  
  
  
February 6, 1998  
  
  
As awful as things have been lately, we were bound to catch a break sooner or later, even if it was only one of us getting a break in our love lives. Unfortunately, this being the Hellmouth, it had to come with complications. Oz, the guy who Willow has had her eye on, and vice versa, turns out to be the werewolf that we've all been looking for the last couple of nights. . .and who I thought had killed Theresa Adams. . .that little homicide turned out to be Angelus saying "hello" in the form of a vampire-o-gram. Anyway, Xander staked Theresa (and was there for a much needed hug afterwards), and we managed to tranquilize wolfy Oz and send the hunter who was after his hide-literally-packing (I bent his rifle barrel like a pretzel. . .got the arrogant bastard's attention). So Oz gets to be cooped up in the book cage for three nights a month, and the only question was how Willow was going to deal. Xander was feeling rather overprotective (and after Angel, I can't blame him much. . .but he's dating Cordelia, so who is he to talk?), but I gave him a dirty look and made it clear that Willow should be allowed to make up her own mind. They're going to try to make it work. . .and good for them. At least she knows when her boyfriend is going to lose control. . .I should have been so lucky.  
  
  
Faith sighed, then turned ahead a number of pages before beginning to read again:  
  
November 28, 1998  
  
  
Well, this has to be a first. . .Spike comes to town and kidnaps Willow and Xander, and it isn't even the most sucky thing to happen this week. . .of course, the kidnapping did help bring stuff to light, and nearly resulted in us attending one of Sunnydale's favorite outdoor events. . .a funeral.  
  
At least I know now why Willow's been so edgy the last few weeks. . .she's just been off. She was going to tell me about the whole thing with Xander while we were waiting for Lagos to show up, but I think the whole decapitation thing made her lose her nerve. . .I wish she could have told me. . .damn it, maybe the cold voice of reason from someone who has had relationships seriously blow up in her face might have made them break it off before anyone got hurt. . .before Oz ended up brooding in his room and Cordy ended up in a hospital bed, having to come up with excuses for how she got impaled.  
  
It has to be the Hellmouth. . .Willow had been with Oz for almost a year, and even Xander and Cordelia seemed to be going smoothly. . .and Xander had to pick NOW to wake up and smell the Willow? No wonder Willow tried witchcraft to deal with the problem. . .she's wanted Xander for so long, it must have seemed like some evil trick that he suddenly noticed how damned beautiful she is.   
  
To top it all off, Spike got away again. . .I swear, if I ever see that jerk again he is SO dusted. Not only does he screw up things between Oz/Willow and Xander/Cordy, he made some rather pointed observations about me and Angel. . .and he was right, damn it. I can't see Angel any more. . .it's just too much. Oh well, I'll have my hands full dealing with my two broken-hearted best friends. . .with Faith away, I could use a little help on patrol anyway.  
  
  
Faith closed the diary and pondered what she had just read. Willow must have felt like she would never be forgiven for what had happened between Xander and her, but the musician had ultimately decided that what he felt for Willow meant more than the hurt he had suffered. She realized that Buffy was trying to make a similar gesture for her, and the others were trying to help. . .but she was still unsure: could the damage truly be undone? She put the diary away and closed her eyes, once again trying to find clarity in slumber.  
  
  
  
. . .to be continued  
  
  
  
As always, comments are welcomed and desired  
  



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